It’s 12:35 on Sunday night and I just got home from the airport, where I de-boarded the strangest flight of my life. Honestly, it was nothing short of a freak show… So much that I feel obliged to tell you all about it.

I hate flying (hate it, hate it, hate it). So, of course, flying alone is practically the end of the world. While i’m standing in line at security for a half hour, I can feel my palms start to sweat and my heart skipping beats.

As I sat at the gate, waiting to board, I felt my heart pounding out of my chest (cue the panic attack). To make matters worse, with all of the nonsense going on in the world, I can’t help but analyze everything and everyone around me… “That person looks like a terrorist” was a constant thought running through my one track mind. Can you blame me? We live in a twisted time.

Skipping ahead… As I cozied in my seat, I was instantly greeted with a great big smile, followed by a warm hello. Now, anyone who has ever flown recognizes this as a huge sigh of relief. Being sat next to a friendly face, as they invade your personal space for the next two and some odd hours is some what relieving. So, anyway, seated beside me was a much older gentleman and what seemingly was his daughter, as she appeared much younger. The woman fancied the book I had just bought for the flight and ended up recommending some similar reads. I thought to myself, wow, these people are really great… How did I get so lucky? Whelp, how quickly things can change. I looked over to see the two holding hands, but didn’t really think twice about it, because parents and kids do that, right? Next thing I know, they’re kissing… Like, really kissing. Parents definitely don’t do that. I didn’t know what to do, other than turn my cheek and sink down into my seat. If that’s not a stomach churning visual, I don’t know what is. 3o+ year age gaps are tricky (and super uncomfortable).

You know how the flight attendants roll that stupid little rip-off cart down the center isle, hitting your knees, shoving their butts in your face as they serve the person across the isle, the one that sells $10 mini beers and chemically infused banana nut muffins? Well, as usual, they were whippin’ that thing up the aisle and slingin’ those drinks like it was no body’s business. The lady sitting diagonal to me ordered a rum and coke. Within 60 seconds of getting her cup of ice and fixings, she spills the ice all over the plane’s dirty floor. Normal people just clean up the mess and toss it, amiright? Not this lady. This lady was one of a kind. She scooped the ice up off the nasty floor and put it back into her empty cup, before going on to pour her drink. WHAT? Am I seeing things? Did that really just happen? Who does that! At this point, I wanna vom all over.

I don’t know what’s worse, a screaming baby or a screaming baby’s obnoxious mother. Mind you, it’s a late flight, so most people are trying to sleep. Ok, this kid was probably all of three years old (maybe not even that), so I can understand that he was probably exhausted and hungry and tired of listening to his mom bitch at him (as was I), but after an hour of repetitive screaming, I kind of wanted to smash my head against the window. Although it was annoying, I could put on my headphones and deal. What I couldn’t put up with was his mother slinging him around like a doll… Telling him to shut up and such. Who tells a three year old to shut up? Obviously it’s not my place to tell her how to raise her child, but if looks could kill…

Did I mention the foreign princess sitting behind me who constantly tugged on the back of my seat, someone ripping ass the ENTIRE time and the “comfort” dog who barked for a solid 20 minutes after takeoff and 20 minutes pre-landing? The turbulence? Yeah, that was fun.

I think that about sums it up – Stay tuned for future flights from hell!

PS. Next time, I’ll be sure to arrive an hour earlier, so I have time to hit the bar!